Who's holding the door shut?

I remember hearing a message once that focused on God as our father, as a parent. As a parent myself I get it. You always want to protect your children, but you also know they have to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes.

My own son is 4 and I was a stepmother to 2 boys (who are now teens) for 10 years. When they start doing something they shouldn't there are 3 steps:

1) You suggest to them that they probably shouldn't do that and perhaps even explain to them why it isn't a good idea.

2) If they keep going you get a little stronger in tone of voice and warning and perhaps even attach a consequence to it.

3) If they still keep going (and if you have boys like mine you probably get to this step more often than not) you back off, wait until they arrive at the natural consequence then say "wow, that hurt didn't it, don't do that again". Then you pick them up, brush them off and get them an ice pack.

In steps 1 and 2 you are holding the door shut.  You are trying to keep them from making a mistake, from getting hurt, maybe even from hurting someone else.  But if they keep pushing against that door and refuse to listen to you, eventually you have to step back and let things happen.

Those are the actions of a loving parent. But sometimes there is something else holding the door shut. Never forget that we have an enemy that wants only to steal, kill, and destroy.  He doesn't want us to be close to God. He doesn't want us to live a God-filled and life-giving life. He wants us down in the trenches and miserable with him. And his best path to deceive us, make us questions everything.

As a new Christian I am very much still finding my way. I don't know a lot about the bible.  I can't quote any bible verses to you.  I don't know all of the stories.  I'm learning, but since I've only spent a 1.5 years in the church I am very much an infant in this area.  There are times that I find myself asking "Is God trying to tell me not to go this direction or is the devil trying to block and deceive me from my purpose? Who is holding this door shut?"

Recently I've been focusing on building relationships.  I spent most of the last 5+ years isolated and miserable.  I have very few friendships and when the smoke cleared and things calmed down and I looked around I was very much alone.  I clung to God knowing I wasn't really alone, just lonely. I knew that He wanted me to have strong Christian women and friends in my life .... and I also knew that He wasn't going to deliver them to my living room.  GASP-I was going to have to go out and be social (which is terrifying if you are a socially awkward introvert who has 0 self-esteem.)

Over the last year I've made a few acquaintances and began getting close to a select few people, but I knew the time was coming I was going to need to reach out.

My first big push was Valentine's Day weekend.  That Friday night I was going to go to a singles dinner small group.  Saturday morning I had a run planned that was another small group.  Then Saturday night (the dreaded V-Day) I asked several other single ladies if they wanted to get together and go see a movie and have dinner together.

Total bust.  First a very dear family friend passed away Friday night so those plans were scrapped to be with my mother and the family.  Then for Saturday night sickness set in and no one was able to go to the movies. --- sigh ok.

Next I decided to reach out to a lady I'd met through the Cavalier rescue group I work with.  We decided to meet for lunch this weekend, then the day before she got a stomach bug. Ok, we will reschedule -- sigh

God, are you trying to tell me something? Are you holding this door shut because I need to learn something? What am I missing?

Then today -- I'd heard about a single's group that sits together at church and then they go out to lunch afterward (I sit alone almost every service and I've longed for Sunday companionship) so I thought I would go and meet up with them. As I'm driving down the road to church there is a road block and I have to turn around and drive around the world to get to church. I thought "Wow, really? Now I'm going to be late and I won't be able to find the group. Ok God, do you just want me to be alone for a little longer?" I kept going despite my urge to just go home.  I actually got to the church at the same time I would have if I hadn't had to to turn around (not sure how that happened ... yes I am, God). When I walked in the doors of the church I heard a voice, a familiar voice that has been with me all my life saying "No one cares that you are here. All of these people are here with their families and you are alone and they don't care. You are a bother to them. Just go sit by yourself and don't force yourself on anyone. If anyone wanted to spend time with you, you wouldn't be alone."

See, I know this voice because in April of 2002 we spent a lot of time together. It told me that no one cared, that if I died no one would even miss me or notice I was dead until my body started to rot and decay. This is the voice that told me I needed to go to sleep and never wake up.

That's when I knew God hadn't been holding the door shut.  The devil was deceiving me again into thinking I was all alone, unwanted, and worthless.

I pushed myself forward, walked into the sanctuary and saw the leader of the group.  She asked if I wanted to join them even before I could ask.  It was a wonderful service.  Then she invited me to join them for lunch.  I almost didn't, but made myself accept, I had a wonderful time and really connected with some people.

So while I don't know a lot, I do know that God will never stop us from doing things that will enhance our understanding and relationship with Him ... and the devil will always try block our way, distract us and deceive us. Pastor said once "the devil isn't creative".  This is so true. I recognize his voice now and I will never listen to it again.

Rejuvenated

Rejuvenated - to restore to a former state; make fresh or new again.

I feel rejuvenated for sure.

Let's see, it's been how many months since my last blog? Life happened.  Work got crazy busy, I got hit with a bought of depression, both seasonal and situational I think. Then the holidays happened.  Then sickness happened. Etc. Etc.

I've picked myself up, dusted myself off, rolled up my sleeves, and now I'm getting down to business.

1) My walk with God.  I'm not proud to say I got lazy. I missed more Sunday's than I made. My prayer time got less and less. I'm pretty sure I even skipped days without praying at all. I wasn't angry or jaded, nothing happened to take me away from the Lord, I was just lazy.

I wish I could say that with the new year brought a new attitude, but it didn't.  I didn't really turn things around until this week.  My church started 21 days of prayer and fasting 2 weeks ago.  Again, still not proud to say, I was not mentally prepared for either part and did not begin to participate until this week.

What I would like to say though is that it's amazing how quickly God and turn around a funk. Sunday I went to church and threw myself all in again.  I made the decision to put God in the center of everything and my attitude turned around instantly. I've woken up at 5 am every morning so that I could get ready before the morning prayer sessions.  I've cooked dinner every night this week and I've remembered to say grace before we ate. I'm sleeping better and waking up happier.

What is amazing to me is that this time last year I was so incredibly lost. I had to lean on God for every ounce of strength I could muster to get through each day.  This year, when asked what miracle I was praying for during this time, I couldn't think of anything for me. I feel like all of my prayers have been answered. I am free from my damaging marriage. I have ample provisions. I'm in good health. My son's behavioral issues have turned a corner. For the time being my depression has lifted. What a difference a year walking with God can make.

I got lazy. I am sorry God. You are worth more than that. You are more important than anything else that comes. I pray that I will keep you in the fore front of everything. Now that I have lived a year of my life with you, I don't ever want to live without you. Life is so much better walking with you than it ever was walking alone.

2) Weight. I am happy to say that even though I got lazy I did not put any weight back on ... well after Christmas I did sneak up there a bit, but I got to my "line in the sand weight" and pumped the breaks.  See, I have a weight that once I am under it I refuse to go over it again, currently it is 155. I get on the scale every day, if I am at that weight then it is time for clean/healthy food ONLY. No cheating, no treats, no sneaks until I am a few pounds under that weight again.  Now that line in the sand moves as I lose weight.  It wasn't all that long ago that that line in the sand was 200 pounds. By the end of this year I hope that line in the sand will be 150 pounds, which means my average daily weight will be 147 or so.

3) Exercise. It is amazing to me that it was this time last year I started Couch to 5K and I could barely run for 30 seconds at a time (and when I say run I mean a very slow jog) and now my average run is 30 minutes. 

I have some nice goals set for 2015:
     a) Run a 5K each month
     b) Run a 10K at the end of the year
     c) Get my average speed to 10min/mile (currently at 13min/mile)
     d) Go 200 miles (run, walk, hike). In 2014 I went approximately 100, so I figured I would double it for this year.
     e) And finally, I want to be able to wear a bathing suit without a skirt this summer ... this means I want the jiggle wiggles gone by June.

I think these are all very do-able, but I will have to stay on track and stay focused.

I look forward to continuing to share my journey. I'm going to try to be more steady in my posting and not disappear for months at a time.

Looking forward to all 2015 has to offer. I am rejuvenated,  thanks be to God.

Inspirational Song of the Week 10.7.2014

Ok, clearly I'm not doing so great on the weekly post/inspirational song. I'm going to do better, promise.

This song isn't so much of a song for me as for someone else. --Wow -- it's funny how you can hear something that you know is meant for you, and then hear something else that you know is mean for someone else.

Pieces by Meredith Andrews

"Pieces"

[Verse 1:]
It's a complex puzzle you call your life
It's an uphill climb, it's a constant fight
And it wears you down
Feeling like you're alone, like you don't belong
And you won't be loved if you don't measure up
And you wear your scars
Like they're who you are

[Chorus:]
Give Him your wounds, your bruised and broken pieces
All your questions, all your secrets
You don't have to hide who you are
You belong to someone greater
Than all your past mistakes and failures
Rested who He is
He knows how to make your pieces fit

[Verse 2:]
He's the light on the road when you're lost in the dark
And He won't run away if you show your heart
Wants you to believe it
You can taste that freedom

[Chorus:]
When you give Him your wounds, your bruised and broken pieces
All your questions, all your secrets
You don't have to hide who you are
You belong to someone greater
Than all your past mistakes and failures
Rested who He is
He knows how to make your pieces fit

[Bridge:]
You are completely known
You are completely loved
This is where you belong

[Chorus:]
Give Him your wounds, your bruised and broken pieces
All your questions, all your secrets
You don't have to hide who you are
You belong to someone greater
Than all your past mistakes and failures
Rested who He is
He knows how to make your pieces fit

How many times in my life have I felt like I didn't belong .... hmm .... just about all of it.  I think one of the most powerful realizations of my new life is that I'm not wrong, or strange, or broken. I'm just how God made me, and He loves me just as I am, even if other's don't.  

Today, I love my life

That's a powerful statement.  I feel like I was living in hell for the last two years, and living in darkness all of the years before that. I have battled crippling depression and anxiety, a bad marriage, career difficulties. My life was hopeless and helpless for a lot of years.

Last September, in the darkest time of my life I turned to the Lord. I held onto him fast while everything fell out from under me. I know for a fact his strength is the only thing that got me through.

He has blessed me 100 times over in this last year.

Financially I was on my own with 4 people living in my house, the Lord blessed me many times with additional funds.  Looking back over the extra money that I had to spend on lawyer fees, a new air conditioner, car repairs .... I can honestly tell you I don't know where the money came from other than the Lord provided for me.

Emotionally I was an island for many years. I didn't want anyone to see or know what was happening inside my home so I kept to myself.  Minimal family contact, almost zero social/friend contact.  I went to work, I came home, I trudged through surviving each day.  The Lord knew I needed support, I needed closeness. He brought my family around me, God bless my family they have been amazing. My relationships with them are so much stronger. I am so thankful that I have them and that I know them as an adult.  The Lord also brought me invaluable friendships.  Strong Christian women to help guide me. These women have been the voice of reason and logic in a crazy time in my life.  They've helped keep me grounded, true and honest. And now in the aftermath they continue to help me grow.

Spiritually I was totally lost.  I knew for years that I needed something.  I needed hope. I kept getting drawn to church but I never really felt like I belonged, like I fit. The Lord lead me to my church. It is just the right fit for me. I have hope in my life, and that is not something to be taken lightly. It gives me spiritual guidance. It gives me knowledge and understanding of God's word and God's promises.

So for today, I love my life.  Today is all that we really have and today is what I will hold on to.

Bless you and this day.

The Danger of "What If"

I'm at an interesting cross-road in my life.  Through the grace of God I have ended one chapter of my life, one that He sent me big HUGE flashing warning signs about I might add.  And I'm starting on a new chapter. This time I'm determined to LISTEN to him and not insist that I know how to do it better ... because clearly if I did I wouldn't have messed it up so badly so far.

So here I am, starting down a new path but I can't help but think, "What if". Every decision I made in my life up to this point I can attach a "What if" to and wonder if my life would have turned out different/"better". Remember those books where you get to a point in the story and and you have a choice of what happens next? I can remember reading those one way and then when I finished the story go back and read it again and make different choices and see how the story ended up differently.  To bad we don't have the power in life.

This weekend I've had readings, scripture, sermons, and decade old history collide on me.  It's been emotional to say the least.

Here is the story. About 12 years ago I met this nice guy. We went on a few dates, I liked him but was tangled up in a crap-tastic, manipulative, unhealthy relationship.  Since I liked and cared for this guy I told him where I was and that I couldn't date him (it took me several more years to shake loose of the manipulator).  We ended up being good friends.  He never made any sort of advances on me, we were just friends. I think deep down I knew he still liked me, but he seemed like he was cool with the friend thing. He died 10 years ago this summer in an tragic accident.  His best friend,and roommate, and I became close friends. When I moved back home after college and was ready to get my own apartment I moved in with that friend. We always had a strictly platonic relationship.  It would be fair to say I consider him a brother. One of those people that I would call if I needed bail money you know.

Obviously a lot has happened in 10 years.  We moved out on our own, we both got married, we both had kids, and now we have both gotten divorced.  We were hanging out this weekend celebrating my new-found freedom, catching up and reminiscing.  We probably haven't hung out in 2-3 years, but he is one of those friends where it doesn't seem like we missed a single day, we just know each other.

During the reminiscing the question sort of came up, how come nothing had ever happened between us? I mean we lived together, we were in our 20's, there were plenty of drunken nights, several brutal break-ups followed by periods of vulnerability, perfect storm right .... neither one of us ever went there.

Then he said something that had never occurred to me ..... he thinks it was because he knew how our deceased friend had felt about me .... what ????? We were just friends.  We never did anything more than go out a couple of times, nothing physical ever happened between us. I was totally baffled. He went on to tell me things that our friend had done or said that said to him how much he cared ... he knew I was hopelessly messed up over the manipulator, but he was willing to wait for me to figure it out.

MIND BLOWN!!!!

I don't even know how to process this.

My mind goes into over-drive ... what if?

What if I had known how he felt and chosen to be with him? Would that tragic accident that took him too  young not have happened?

What if  he was the person I was supposed to be with and I blew it because I was young and stupid and too damaged to care for someone that wasn't a user and manipulator?

What if I had chosen him, would I be happy now, not alone, not starting over?

WHAT IF?????

I can tell you that I've cried a bucket of tears over this revelation and series of questions this weekend.

As I am still struggling with this question a sermon that I heard last week pops into my head "Trust God's process" and another snippet from another sermon "Nothing is a surprise to God.  He never says, "Wow, I didn't see that coming"

Then a book I'm reading right now, Dangerous Surrender by Kay Warren, "I've found that discovering God's will often resembles looking at an undeveloped Polaroid photograph. When the camera spits out the picture, the images are gray and shapeless, but the longer you look at the picture, the clearer it becomes."

My verse of the day today 1Peter 5:6 "So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor."

God has a plan and a process for each of us.  We don't know what it is, He doesn't give us an outline and He doesn't let us skip to the end either, we have to live it out.  We have to trust Him.  We have to give ourselves and our lives to Him in order to be able to see the picture he's trying to show us.

My head and my heart know this, but there is this slight whisper of doubt. It's time for me to move forward and I'm scared.  Not sure if I trust myself. I guess that's the key, it's Him I need to trust.  He's the one that knows how this is all going to turn out.  He is the one that knows my purpose.

Because it is all part of God's plan there are no "What ifs", there is only "What now".

I'm challenging myself to back away from the "what ifs"and ask "what next Lord".

"Is she an athlete?"

Probably the coolest thing that's ever been said to me.  Two weeks ago I had an emergency appendectomy. I'll spare the details, but it wasn't fun.

After the surgery I briefly remember, in my drugged state, that my heart monitor kept going of.  The threshold resting heart rate was 50 beats per minute, mine kept dipping to 47.  The nurse came in to check on me and asked my mom "is she an athlete? I wish I could get my resting heart rate to 47."

How cool is that.  I remember wearing a heart monitor when I was in college, granted I was a smoker then, but I was in late teens, my resting heart rate was between 80 and 88.  Pretty cool that it is now 50 or below.
Of course the surgery has put me behind in my exercise routine.  I'm just now able to start running again, but I'm no where near where I was.  I'm not exactly starting over, but certainly pretty far from where I was. This weekend I am doing a 1 mile fun run with my son.  He's 3 so it will most likely be a fun run/walk/piggy back ride.

I started C25K over ... again.  Before my surgery I was setting the treadmill on 6 for the running portion, but that is giving me a serious stitch in my side.  I think I might have to drop my speed for a few weeks. No one likes to go backwards, but I refuse to give us.  Two steps back is better than 100 right.

Since my running is going to take some time to build up I'm doing the 30 day squat challenge ..... today was Day 1.

30 Squats
159 pounds
and starting tomorrow I will take my measurements in the morning.

Let's see where I land in 30 days.

Inspirational song of the week 8.3.14

Let it Be Jesus
by: Passion


I heard this song for the first time in church yesterday and I knew it was my song for this week. It resonated in two ways with me.

1) God I breathe Your name above everything. Let it be, Let it be Jesus

I've struggled with depression and anxiety for my entire adult life.  Through the grace of God I have found the only coping mechanism that has ever worked .... Jesus.  When I was letting my dark thoughts take over a friend told me "His name is above all others, just say His name over and over and it will push the enemy out." So that is what I do. When my anxiety ramps up I close my eyes and bow my head and say "Jesus" over and over and over until my heart slows down and my breathing comes back to normal and my head calms down.  When the dark and negative thoughts enter my head I do the same thing and I feel uplifted, I see the hope and peace that is in my life because of Jesus Christ. The enemy has no power over my mind when I have Jesus there.

2) Should I ever be surrounded by the fire and the flame There's a name I will remember. There's a name I will proclaim. Let it be, Let it be Jesus

Over the last year I've found myself surrounded by that fire and flame several times.  I've hit my knees in a moment of desperation more than once. I can honestly say that EVERYTIME God has answered my prayers. He has given me the strength and the courage to overcome and see it through to the end.

The lyrics

Let it be Jesus
The first name that I call
Let it be Jesus
My song inside the storm
I'll never need another

For me, to live is Christ
For me, to live is Christ
God I breathe Your name above everything
Let it be, Let it be Jesus

Let it be Jesus
From the rising of the sun
Let it be Jesus
When all is said and done
I'll never need another, Jesus there's no other

For me, to live is Christ
For me, to live is Christ
God I breathe Your name above everything
Let it be, Let it be Jesus

Should I ever be abandoned
Should I ever be acclaimed
Should I ever be surrounded by the fire and the flame There's a name I will remember
There's a name I will proclaim
Let it be, Let it be Jesus

For me, to live is Christ
For me, to live is Christ
God I breathe Your name above everything
Let it be, Let it be Jesus

Read more: Passion - Let It Be Jesus Lyrics | MetroLyrics