Who's holding the door shut?

I remember hearing a message once that focused on God as our father, as a parent. As a parent myself I get it. You always want to protect your children, but you also know they have to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes.

My own son is 4 and I was a stepmother to 2 boys (who are now teens) for 10 years. When they start doing something they shouldn't there are 3 steps:

1) You suggest to them that they probably shouldn't do that and perhaps even explain to them why it isn't a good idea.

2) If they keep going you get a little stronger in tone of voice and warning and perhaps even attach a consequence to it.

3) If they still keep going (and if you have boys like mine you probably get to this step more often than not) you back off, wait until they arrive at the natural consequence then say "wow, that hurt didn't it, don't do that again". Then you pick them up, brush them off and get them an ice pack.

In steps 1 and 2 you are holding the door shut.  You are trying to keep them from making a mistake, from getting hurt, maybe even from hurting someone else.  But if they keep pushing against that door and refuse to listen to you, eventually you have to step back and let things happen.

Those are the actions of a loving parent. But sometimes there is something else holding the door shut. Never forget that we have an enemy that wants only to steal, kill, and destroy.  He doesn't want us to be close to God. He doesn't want us to live a God-filled and life-giving life. He wants us down in the trenches and miserable with him. And his best path to deceive us, make us questions everything.

As a new Christian I am very much still finding my way. I don't know a lot about the bible.  I can't quote any bible verses to you.  I don't know all of the stories.  I'm learning, but since I've only spent a 1.5 years in the church I am very much an infant in this area.  There are times that I find myself asking "Is God trying to tell me not to go this direction or is the devil trying to block and deceive me from my purpose? Who is holding this door shut?"

Recently I've been focusing on building relationships.  I spent most of the last 5+ years isolated and miserable.  I have very few friendships and when the smoke cleared and things calmed down and I looked around I was very much alone.  I clung to God knowing I wasn't really alone, just lonely. I knew that He wanted me to have strong Christian women and friends in my life .... and I also knew that He wasn't going to deliver them to my living room.  GASP-I was going to have to go out and be social (which is terrifying if you are a socially awkward introvert who has 0 self-esteem.)

Over the last year I've made a few acquaintances and began getting close to a select few people, but I knew the time was coming I was going to need to reach out.

My first big push was Valentine's Day weekend.  That Friday night I was going to go to a singles dinner small group.  Saturday morning I had a run planned that was another small group.  Then Saturday night (the dreaded V-Day) I asked several other single ladies if they wanted to get together and go see a movie and have dinner together.

Total bust.  First a very dear family friend passed away Friday night so those plans were scrapped to be with my mother and the family.  Then for Saturday night sickness set in and no one was able to go to the movies. --- sigh ok.

Next I decided to reach out to a lady I'd met through the Cavalier rescue group I work with.  We decided to meet for lunch this weekend, then the day before she got a stomach bug. Ok, we will reschedule -- sigh

God, are you trying to tell me something? Are you holding this door shut because I need to learn something? What am I missing?

Then today -- I'd heard about a single's group that sits together at church and then they go out to lunch afterward (I sit alone almost every service and I've longed for Sunday companionship) so I thought I would go and meet up with them. As I'm driving down the road to church there is a road block and I have to turn around and drive around the world to get to church. I thought "Wow, really? Now I'm going to be late and I won't be able to find the group. Ok God, do you just want me to be alone for a little longer?" I kept going despite my urge to just go home.  I actually got to the church at the same time I would have if I hadn't had to to turn around (not sure how that happened ... yes I am, God). When I walked in the doors of the church I heard a voice, a familiar voice that has been with me all my life saying "No one cares that you are here. All of these people are here with their families and you are alone and they don't care. You are a bother to them. Just go sit by yourself and don't force yourself on anyone. If anyone wanted to spend time with you, you wouldn't be alone."

See, I know this voice because in April of 2002 we spent a lot of time together. It told me that no one cared, that if I died no one would even miss me or notice I was dead until my body started to rot and decay. This is the voice that told me I needed to go to sleep and never wake up.

That's when I knew God hadn't been holding the door shut.  The devil was deceiving me again into thinking I was all alone, unwanted, and worthless.

I pushed myself forward, walked into the sanctuary and saw the leader of the group.  She asked if I wanted to join them even before I could ask.  It was a wonderful service.  Then she invited me to join them for lunch.  I almost didn't, but made myself accept, I had a wonderful time and really connected with some people.

So while I don't know a lot, I do know that God will never stop us from doing things that will enhance our understanding and relationship with Him ... and the devil will always try block our way, distract us and deceive us. Pastor said once "the devil isn't creative".  This is so true. I recognize his voice now and I will never listen to it again.