So here I am, starting down a new path but I can't help but think, "What if". Every decision I made in my life up to this point I can attach a "What if" to and wonder if my life would have turned out different/"better". Remember those books where you get to a point in the story and and you have a choice of what happens next? I can remember reading those one way and then when I finished the story go back and read it again and make different choices and see how the story ended up differently. To bad we don't have the power in life.
This weekend I've had readings, scripture, sermons, and decade old history collide on me. It's been emotional to say the least.
Here is the story. About 12 years ago I met this nice guy. We went on a few dates, I liked him but was tangled up in a crap-tastic, manipulative, unhealthy relationship. Since I liked and cared for this guy I told him where I was and that I couldn't date him (it took me several more years to shake loose of the manipulator). We ended up being good friends. He never made any sort of advances on me, we were just friends. I think deep down I knew he still liked me, but he seemed like he was cool with the friend thing. He died 10 years ago this summer in an tragic accident. His best friend,and roommate, and I became close friends. When I moved back home after college and was ready to get my own apartment I moved in with that friend. We always had a strictly platonic relationship. It would be fair to say I consider him a brother. One of those people that I would call if I needed bail money you know.
Obviously a lot has happened in 10 years. We moved out on our own, we both got married, we both had kids, and now we have both gotten divorced. We were hanging out this weekend celebrating my new-found freedom, catching up and reminiscing. We probably haven't hung out in 2-3 years, but he is one of those friends where it doesn't seem like we missed a single day, we just know each other.
During the reminiscing the question sort of came up, how come nothing had ever happened between us? I mean we lived together, we were in our 20's, there were plenty of drunken nights, several brutal break-ups followed by periods of vulnerability, perfect storm right .... neither one of us ever went there.
Then he said something that had never occurred to me ..... he thinks it was because he knew how our deceased friend had felt about me .... what ????? We were just friends. We never did anything more than go out a couple of times, nothing physical ever happened between us. I was totally baffled. He went on to tell me things that our friend had done or said that said to him how much he cared ... he knew I was hopelessly messed up over the manipulator, but he was willing to wait for me to figure it out.
MIND BLOWN!!!!
I don't even know how to process this.
My mind goes into over-drive ... what if?
What if I had known how he felt and chosen to be with him? Would that tragic accident that took him too young not have happened?
What if he was the person I was supposed to be with and I blew it because I was young and stupid and too damaged to care for someone that wasn't a user and manipulator?
What if I had chosen him, would I be happy now, not alone, not starting over?
WHAT IF?????
I can tell you that I've cried a bucket of tears over this revelation and series of questions this weekend.
As I am still struggling with this question a sermon that I heard last week pops into my head "Trust God's process" and another snippet from another sermon "Nothing is a surprise to God. He never says, "Wow, I didn't see that coming"
Then a book I'm reading right now, Dangerous Surrender by Kay Warren, "I've found that discovering God's will often resembles looking at an undeveloped Polaroid photograph. When the camera spits out the picture, the images are gray and shapeless, but the longer you look at the picture, the clearer it becomes."
My verse of the day today 1Peter 5:6 "So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor."
God has a plan and a process for each of us. We don't know what it is, He doesn't give us an outline and He doesn't let us skip to the end either, we have to live it out. We have to trust Him. We have to give ourselves and our lives to Him in order to be able to see the picture he's trying to show us.
My head and my heart know this, but there is this slight whisper of doubt. It's time for me to move forward and I'm scared. Not sure if I trust myself. I guess that's the key, it's Him I need to trust. He's the one that knows how this is all going to turn out. He is the one that knows my purpose.
Because it is all part of God's plan there are no "What ifs", there is only "What now".
I'm challenging myself to back away from the "what ifs"and ask "what next Lord".
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